The Narcissistic Stepmother

My whole life people have been trying to give me a label.  Perhaps it is because at a single glance, I am a bit more difficult to figure out.  My skin tone doesn't match my last name and I don't look like my parents.  That is because I am adopted.  I love my mother and father.  They gave me the best life I could ever ask for.  They gave me a roof over my head, love, extended family, and many opportunities.  Everything changed when my Dad left my Mom for his secretary when I was 13.  She moved into his house and took over his life.  At first she was very giving.  She was always buying me and my sister presents.  She bought me a pager for my 14th birthday.  My Mom was upset, she said, "She is trying to buy your love."  I didn't see it at the time.  As the years passed, there were ups and downs.  I remember her acting very cold and distant at times, or having an outburst when she was upset.  The sulky & cold silent treatment was another weapon in her arsenal.  Then I would get an apology, in the form of a greeting card, that said she was sorry for her behavior.  I didn't know what to think.  I was only a teenager.

Seven years later my Dad married that woman.  Their relationship hadn't been easy.  She had to leave and give him an ultimatum before he finally proposed.  Things changed after they were married. I was 20 by then.  We had our ups and downs, but it was worse for my sister.  She is 5 years younger than me.  Our Step Mother always tired to be a co-parent to my little sister.  She would give her piece and expect to be heard.  My Mom and Dad didn't need her input.  They were on good terms and we always came first.  I think everything changed when I turned about 25 years old.  I started to think about my life and about my place in my family. I am adopted.  I am now 29 and have heard other adoptees say that when you turn 25 you will look at things differently.  This is exactly what happened for me.

I started to think about how selfish my father was for leaving my mother and his 2 daughters.  How could such a loving father do that?  And why was all of this just okay to everyone?  HE LEFT HER FOR HIS SECRETARY.  My mother is such a wonderful person and she never spoke ill of my Dad.  She wanted us to have a good relationship with him.  In a nutshell, I realized at 25 that I was mad.  I just kept all of that anger inside or pretended that it was all her fault.

I don't know if someone has to be a narcissist in order to break up a family like my Step Mother did.  I do know that over the last few years, I have really struggled to pinpoint why I can't seem to get a long with her. I am a nice person, most everyone likes me.  However, nothing I do seems to be good enough for her.  And for a long time I tried to please her.  The things she would say or the things that she would post on Facebook would make everyone wonder, What is wrong with this woman?  Then my stepfather said, "I've known a lot of self-centered people."  Everything made sense after that.  She acts like the world revolves around her.  She has no empathy for me or my feelings.

The hardest part of all is that I can't talk to my Dad about any of this.  He is married to her & seems to be in denial about her true nature.  He thinks she is socially awkward.  Having my Step Mother in my life is like being in a constant "battle of the wits".  She is a game player.  She is dramatic.  Most of all she does everything for show. Her life is a still picture where everything needs to look perfect. Everyone in her life is a part of her and therefore can be used anyway she pleases.  She has no empathy & cannot genuinely relate to anyone.

Most of the self help psychology books recommend cutting ties with the Narcissist.  That is not an option with my Step Mother.  She is part of my Dad's life.  So, instead of cutting ties, I am working on 4 key skills taken from, "Disarming the Narcissist,  Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed," by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW.  These skills include: keeping the narcissist on the hook for bad behavior, asking for reciprocity, giving positive feedback when appropriate, and having empathy and compassion.

Currently, my Step Mother and I are only in contact via email, which I was against at first.  I felt that it would be better if we talked on the phone.  Now I am glad I decided to respond to her emails.  I am very soft spoken and hate confrontation, so it is difficult for me to get my words out when I'm upset. I used the tools in my email and was able to hold her responsible for her actions (she tried to blame me) and ask for reciprocity.  I also had empathy for her feelings.  I didn't get and apology or even validation.  However, after a few emails back and forth, I got no response.  This may seem like a failure, but to me it felt like a victory.  I finally stood up for myself and told her to respect my feelings and my decision regarding being in contact on social media.  I believe she stopped responding because she didn't know what to say.  That's a first!

I'd like to invite anyone who has similar struggles with the important people in their lives to share their story.

Note:  I do not know for sure if my Step Mother is a narcissist, it is my opinion from observing her.  If you have a hunch that the person in your life is a narcissist, don't tell them that.  I've read that narcissist personality disorder is rarely clinically identified, due to the reason that narcissist's generally do not seek therapy.  After all, they're perfect!